Marriage. *watches all the men flee in horror….*
Now it’s not news that in Western culture, our viewpoint and respect of the institution of marriage has changed. You could argue this to the decline in religious upbringing, changes in gender roles, equality law, career hungry women.. in fact I’m sure there is an argument for it being the fault of global warming. How about, we except that it is a part of all these but mostly our own greed.
Why greed? Well lets go through the points. We are faced with so many choices today, from the day we enter this world to the day we leave. The colour of your hair, fashion, education – what course, what subject, where to study -, health – what do I do to my body, where do I get my healthcare-, what is my sexual orientation and who you love are all choices that you can make freely.
But with choice comes responsibility, right? Not if you have so much choice that consequences become irrelevant. And with that ambivalent conundrum comes apathy and laziness.
Don’t follow?
You can choose not to get married but live together as a couple, maybe even raise children, this is legally known as cohabiting. (there is no such thing as Common Law Marriage, you are married or you’re not).
It’s no longer frowned on, nor is the need to have an heir to carry on the family name and fortune. Marriage doesn’t – in most western cultures – equate to the woman becoming property of the husband. Living in sin in a phrase found in the history books for most.
The expectation of taking your husbands name is not so relevant. The common folk even take to double barrelling surnames as a sign of equality, just as the high born families once did, to mark significant family unions and keep their legacy going.
Nope, nowadays you are free to procreate in any manner you see fit, want to be a single parent, go for it. Society won’t ostracise you anything resembling the social deaths that once occurred.
See, lots of choice, which in it itself is great but there are always consequences.
So what about if the marriage goes wrong? You know, like it’s some sort piece of bread that has gone mouldy. Well you can divorce! You lucky dog you!! (there is no such thing as Legal separation, you are either together or you are not in the eyes of the law). Fingers crossed it all goes smoothly and in 16 weeks you can get a nice shiney Decree nisi.
You now have 5 choices. Do you pick :
- Unreasonable behaviour committed by your spouse.
- Adultery committed by your spouse.
- Two years desertion by your spouse
- Two years seperation from your spouse with consent.
- You have lived apart for 5 years, no consent is needed.
Time to rinse and repeat? Well you can, because you can choose to remarry, many churches will even allow this or bless your union. Were you an adulterer? Don’t fear, unlike 60 years ago, your name won’t be posted in the local paper detailing your filthy shenanigans and your children won’t be removed by social services.
(yes this did happen)
Choices affords us an opportunity to ignore all sense of responsibility both emotional and maternal/paternal because it offers a selfish way out in the form of options.
Oh but what of love I hear you cry. I am sounding to cynical right? Well if you love your partner and you are prepared to commit to marriage, that’s great. Of course it is. Nothing beats a heart warming sign of devotion after all.
de·vo·tion (d -v sh n)
n.
1. Ardent, often selfless affection and dedication, as to a person or principle.
If it is an option and if you love that person enough to commit to them for life then you should be prepared to work hard.. I mean so hard that you feel you might physically break. That’s what you do for love.
You don’t up and leave because you think they are lying. People lie. Your partner cheats? Guess what, they do that too, physically and emotionally. They spend more time at work and not enough time with you, they take up hobbies and interests that may not involve you? What people aren’t allowed interests or personal space if they so chose?
So you have a choice. Do you accept they are imperfect and that they are likely to do it again? Or do you choose not to put up with their treatment or behaviour and walk away in these situations?
(Domestic violence is another subject entirely and the emotional and physical risks are not on discussion here).
You only have one life as the person you are walking the earth as today. Regardless of any other beliefs you may hold. To love someone and to marry, is to give them your life because that is what your time is. It is the most important thing you have and will ever have.
To walk away because they were less than perfect, well… should you have married in the first place? I believe true love is such a rare thing. It was once why we used to marry, to show one and all that this person, above all others, this is who I chose to spend my life with. And despite what may befall, I will work my flabby arse off to make it work because there is something about them that is beyond all others.
Yes i am sure most people will say that they thought the person they married at the time was the one... but did they asked themselves if they'd still be the one when the shit hits the fan? Or was it a case of; okay, I love you and lets see what happens, it could go either way and we can always divorce if needed.
I do believe that marriage and engagements are often rushed into. It’s not to say that the feelings are not real and heartfelt but more a lack of understanding of what marriage is, what it still represents, the work it takes to keep it going and the destruction they leave emotionally.
After all, what is wrong with being in love and in a committed relationship without involving marriage?
Have you lived enough to know what you want and also what is good for you? And have you reached that point in life where you know you can put the work in for the results you want?
But why greed? Well, because we want this relationship to be the one. We want a happy ever after. We want the admiration of our peers. We want this person to be everything that we have dreamed of. We want them to be without reprove. We want to be all they will need or want. We want to never have to face the bad times.
I believe for all the choices we have been given throughout our life, we forget, that we have to be responsible, we have to face consequences and we have to work hard at the things that matter and that lastly and above all else, true love is not selfish.
(i make no apologies for my strong opinions in this)
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